Breaking News: "No positives from the 2007 Tour"

1. Moncoutie (Cofidis)
2. Ullrich (T-Mobile)
3. Vandenbroucke (Quickstep)
4. Evans (Lotto)
5. Kloden (T-Mobile)
6. Moreau (Credit Agricole)
7. Mcgee (FDJ)
8. Boogerd (Rabobank)
9. Simoni (Saunier)
10. Basso (CSC)
Casar (FDJ)
Bassons (FDJ)
Sastre (CSC)
Brochard (Bouygues)
Gilbert (FDJ)
Tjallingii (Rabobank)
Popovych (Discovery)
Armstrong (Discovery)
Lovqvist (FDJ)
Cunego (Lampre)
Contador (Discovery)
Gerdemann (TMobile)
Voeckler (Bouygues)
Kirchen (TMobile)
Brajkovic (Discover)
Menchov (Rabobank)
Heras (Astana)
Mayo (Saunier)
Soler (Barloworld)
Valverde (Caisse)
Vinokourov (Astana)
Gonchar (T-Mobile)
Di Luca (Liquigas)
Chavanel (Cofidis)
Jaksche (Astana)
Rebellin (Gerolsteiner)
Fothen (Gerolsteiner)
Raisin (Credit)
Karpets (Caisse)
Rogers (TMobile)
Azevedo (Discovery)
Bruseghin (Lampre)
Kashechkin (Astana)
Millar (Saunier)
Ruberia (Discovery)
Zubeldia (Euskaltel)
Bettini (Quickstep)
Gesink (Rabobank)
Botero (Phonak)
Kessler (Astana)
Sinkewitz (TMobile)
Dekker (Rabobank)
Horner (Lotto)
Frank Shleck (CSC)Kohl (Gerolsteiner
Sammy Sanchez (Euskaltel)
Sevilla (TMobile)
Sioutsou (Barloworld)
Schumacher (Gerolsteiner)
Gadret (AG2R)
Mancebo (AG2R)
Pereiro (Caisse)
Garcia (Caisse)
Valjavec (Lampre)
Savoldelli (Astana)
Ricco (Saunier)
Pineau (Bouygues)
Landis (Phonak)
Tsurruka (Euskaltel)
Garate (Saunier)
Perez (Phonak)
Gutierrez (Caisse)
Cioni (Lotto)
Arroyo (Caisse)
Gil (Saunier)
Efimkin (Caisse)
Cobo (Saunier)
Pinotti (TMobile)
Le Mevel (Credit)
Mercado (Agritubel)
Beltran (Liquigas)
Hamilton (Phonak)
di Gregorio (FDJ)
Vansummeren (Lotto)
Pellizotti (Liquigas)
Van den Broeck (Lotto)
Julich (CSC)
Verbrugghe (Cofidis)
Aerts (Lotto)
Vandevelde (CSC)
Wegemann (Gerolsteiner)
Gutierrez (Phonak)
Parra (Cofidis)
de la Fuente (Saunier)
Andy Schleck (CSC)
Walker (Rabobank)
Wiggins (Cofidis)
Tombak (Cofidis)
Posthuma (Rabobank)
Van Huffel (Lotto)
Botcharov (Credit)
Mazzoleni (Lampre)
Wegelius (Liquigas)
Dessel (AG2R)
Halgand (Credit)
Zabriskie (CSC)
Goubert (AG2R)
Caucchioli (Credit)
Leipheimer (Discovery)
Cardenas (Barloworld)
Weening (Rabobank)
Danielson (Discovery)
Calzati (AG2R)
Gerrans (AG2R)
Rasmussen (Rabobank)
Landaluze (Euskaltel)
Merckx (TMobile)
Moreni (Cofidis)
Clement (Bouygues)
Hushovd (Credit)
Nuyens (Cofidis)
Beppu (Discovery)
Fedrigo (Bouygues)
de Canio (Discovery)
Pozzato (Liquigas)
Barry (TMobile)
Chuela (Barloworld)
Ivanov (Astana)
Vogondy (Agritubel)
Vaugrenard (FDJ)
Efimkin (Barloworld)
Auge (Cofidis)
Cancellara (CSC)
Haussler (Gerolsteiner)
Tankink (Quickstep)
Geslin (Bouygues)
Voigt (CSC)
Hoste (Lotto)
Zabel (TMobile)
Lang (Gerolsteiner)
Bennati (Lampre)
Ogrady (CSC)
Herve (Agritubel)
Hincapie (Discovery)
Rodriguez (Lotto)
Jalabert (Agritubel)
Burghardt (Tmobile)
Rosseler (Quickstep)
Hunter (Baroloworld)
Salmon (Agritubel)
Dean (Credit)
Fischer (Liquigas)
Boonen (Quickstep)
De Jongh (Quickstep)
Wrolich (Gerolsteiner)
Hinault (Credit)
Lancaster(Milram)
Mcewen (Lotto)
Bonnet (Credit)
Thomas (Barloworld)
Steegmans (Quickstep)
Seiberg (Milram)
Renshaw (Credit)
Feillu (Agritubel)
Degano (Barloworld)
Forster (Gerolsteiner)
Napolitano (Lampre)
Cavendish (TMobile)
Vansevenant (Lotto)

Christian Prudhomme announced the most surprising news in the Tour's rich history when he announced there were no positive tests from this year's Tour. A little too smugly I might add, his record is nothing to be proud of.

Davide Moncoutie was the unexpected winner, his quote was "I never thought I could win this race, this year, it seemed the peloton was not two speeds, and their brakes were rubbing for 21 days. My mechanics kept my breaks in tip-top shape, and I never got dehydrated".

Brad Mcgee of FDJ finished in the top 10 on the back of some time bonuses and impressive net time in the 3 chrono stages. He was heard to utter, that the speed allowed him to reach near 6 watts per kilo at his threshold in the last HC climb on the queen stage when he lost only 2 minutes to Moncoutie who took out the win ahead of Vandenbroucke, Ullrich, Evans and Contador.

Patrick Lefevre said Frank Vandenbroucke had no major psychological problems, and Dr Van Mol had returned to private practise treating common colds for ten year old school kids.

Philippe Gilbert won most aggressive, and Jens Voigt did not manage to get in any breaks for the full three weeks, and the best he could do in the timetrial was 35th in one of them.

When Bjarne Riis was asked why the Schleck brothers and Voigt performed so badly, he was exasperated and had no answer for the journalists. The journalists were immediately placed on the blacklist. Bobby Julich personally asked for: "name, television station, media organisation, DOB, welfare number, and sexual preference?"

Riis iterated he was content with his team, and it was a manifestation of all the values he indoctrinated them in, and the inner character that was instilled by Danish commando B.S. Christiansen in the winter camps. He said the rumour that B.S. initials stood for bullshit, was untrue. Thanks Bjarne.

By this time, I am on the blacklist, but I asked Bjarne what he was gonna do with his 3 Danish docs, cos, like the inner bigot I am, I kindly gave them a pass on the ethical ambiguity, and thought they were genuine in upholding the Hippocratic oath when they had issued denials. I dont know if he is keeping them, but he has no need for them any longer, besiders the lack of answer to the question.

Johan Bruyneel was disappointed in Discovery's GC placement. Armstrong came back specifically to prove those 6 positives in the 1999 Tour de France were a fluke. Armstrong was really struggling to recover day to day, and preparing in the Alps only gave him a hematocrit of 42. He missed out on those crucial 7 points of hematocrit that sleeping high in the Canary Islands and training low gives you. It was amazing no one took up Ferrari's offer to train in the Canarys this year considering the 7 hematocrit points.

John Bruyneel was asked what Dr Jose Aramendi, Dr Calos Barrios Pitarque, Dr Pedro Celaya and Dr Luis del Moral (his parents were ironic in their choice of surname) will do now they are out of a gig? Bruyneel then acerbicly responded to his Australian journalist inquisitor, "I suppose they will work for a Primera Leagua club" and proceeded to put said scribe on the blacklist. 4 years prior in Armstrong's reign, he was previously put on the blacklist, and as such, in the Flemish way, double blacklisting is the same as a double negative, and his name was quashed from the list.

Theo de Rooij of Rabobank had no answer either, to his teams disappointing result, but evergreen Boogerd flew the flag for the team, in his swansong. Somewhat fulfilling the promise he showed as a GC man in the late 90's. He did not have his legs of yesteryear, he said he could have been better, but his result was affirming.

Breukink said Rasmussen's 10 tests in the Dolomites that came back negative proved he was clean, beyond a doubt, making no mention of his GC place about 100th. Thomas Dekker performed below what was suspected, and he said he would need to consult Dr Cecchini, because those dinners with Cecchini's organic produce from his own vegetable garden were obviously lacking in nutritional value. Dekker said he would not be celebrating his Tour with a trip to the Milan Gucci emporium to buy a new jacket with Cecchini's son for some reason.

Phonak's Floyd Landis, Santi Perez, Santi Botero, "Buffalo" Guti, and Tyler Hamilton were probably the biggest disappointments this year. None could really threaten the overall classification, and Andy Rihs, Alvaro Pino and John Lelangue had no answer. They were dumbfounded as to their performace, and suggested the squad had food poisoning, and that made Floyd's hematocrit go from 43 at the start of the race to 37 on the final day. Floyd also complained he could not take his thyroid medication. Tyler Hamilton was not allowed his twin to work as his soigneur, because the French never gave him a working visa.

Wiggins beat Mcgee by 5 seconds to win the 10 km prologue, and he beat Fabian Cancellara into third with a margin on 18 seconds.Wiggins also won the final timetrial. Ullrich won the first timetrial from Mcgee, by 15 seconds, and narrowly lost to Wiggins in the final timetrial. Mcgee was third in the final timetrial.

Moncoutie kept his losses to Ullrich at a combined 100 seconds in the three chronos. Cancellara disappointed in both long timetrials, managina 6th and a 7th, and losing 2 minutes to Ullrich combined. Leipheimer lost 6 minutes in the first timetrial to Ullrich, and only 4 minutes in the second timetrial, for a combined loss of 10 minutes. Hamilton and Landis managed to lose a combined 8 minutes each in the timetrials.

In the Sprinters classification, Thor Hushovd romped home, his 3 stage wins wrapped up the classification before it hit the mountains. Boonen was a distant second, Brochard third, courtesy of getting many points in the intermediate stages with those two stage wins. Mcewen fourth and Mcgee was fifth with his timetrial points and on the finishing descents of mtn stages. Romain Fellieu was a revelation and sixth, Zabel seventh, something obviously wrong, he just had no recovery. Freire was ninth, Bennati was tenth. Cavendish was crying, and did not manage to get in the top 10. Petacchi got a very bad case of asthma and was not competitive.

1. Hushovd
2. Boonen
3. Brochard
4. Mcewen
5. Mcgee
6. Feillu
7. Zabel
8. Friere
9. Cooke
10. Bennati

In the mountains classification, Simoni has won his first polka dot jersey in somewhat unusual style. He did not have the pinache of his previous Giro wins, but still managed to hold off the potential challengers, de la Fuente, Rasmussen, Mayo, Saul Raisin was surpising in his second in the category, and Voeckler was third without really challenging because of the assault on GC. Heras said "cycling was a clean sport" and he did not make the top ten in the climbing classification, and only just the top 50 on GC. For once, I believed him.

1. Simoni
2. Raisin
3. Voeckler
4. Mayo
5. Kohl
6. Gesink
7. Moncoutie
8. Basso
9. Evans
10. de la Fuente

Francaise des Jeux won the Team Competition.

The new breed, the u26 classification, was won by Sweden's Thomas Lovqvist, but he did not want to have a bit to do with Pat McQuaid's sentiment, that doping was only a problem of a bygone era, from the older faction. Lovqvist said "good guys dope, bad guys dope, next door boys dope, those that speak out and are anti-doping dope, winners dope, losers dope, young guys dope, Scandanavians dope, Americans dope, French guys dope, Brits dope, Aussies dope, anyone can dope, I could have doped, if I so wished".